Source: Fantasy Island Facebook page, clerk on duty.
On November 7, shortly before Fox News had declared President-elect Joe Biden the victor over President-reject Donald Trump, Trump consigliere Rudy Giuliani held a press conference in the parking lot of Four Seasons Total Landscaping in north Philly, apparently believing he had booked a hotel with a similar name.
Much of the social media focus was not on what Mr. Giuliani blathered lies about, but on the colorful setting, which included the Delaware Valley Cremation Center across the street, and just next door, Fantasy Island Adult Books.
The store was offering a 50% discount on The Emperor, based on a plaster casting of Trump himself. This was hardly a bargain given the item’s suggested retail price of $10,000.
T-File visited the store to get a look at this rare item only to be told the whole stock had been sold to a Russian collector. However, the teenage clerk behind the counter, who identified himself as Jeremy Blowjob, did direct us to a framed business card on a wall with signed photos of a surprising number of Philly notables.
In the fall of 1968, Donald Trump was fresh out of college. According to a December 26, 2018 story in the New York Times, he had been declared available for military service two years earlier but had been given academic deferment. Once he graduated, with an unknown GPA, he was eligible for the draft.
Unfortunately, that September it was discovered he had a physical ailment that precluded military service: bone spurs. Dr. Larry Braunstein, a Queens podiatrist who happened to rent his office space from Mr. Trump’s father Fred, wrote a letter which got the younger Trump a 4F classification.
The Times story suggests that Dr. Braunstein wrote that letter as “a favor” for the elder Mr. Trump, based only on the word of all of his children. But the Times admitted, “No paper evidence has been found to help corroborate the version of events described by the Braunstein family.”
On February 2, the T Files received a brown paper package containing an elaborate puzzle box that could only be solved by knowing dates and numbers specific to the main admin of this site.
The box contained the items below. Although it does seem to confirm Mr. Trump’s ineligibility for military service, it does raise other questions.
In July 2006, Donald Trump attended the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship in Lake Tahoe. All the famous people were there: Dan Quayle, Ray Romano, and other famous people. But one particular luminary caught his eye: Stormy Daniels, star of the award-winning Space Nuts (2003), Porking with Pride 2 (2004), The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005), and about 75 others.
Mr. Trump invited the actress up to his room and “we talked,” Ms. Daniels later recalled. “He asked me a lot of questions about my business. You know, the business I work in and how it works and how it functions. All like technical questions. He was very curious.”
They also had sex in the missionary position and watched Shark Week*.
Mr. Trump’s interest in Ms. Daniels’ profession was more than cursory pre-fornication chit-chat.** As it happened, he has been exploring that space for more than four decades.
Mr. Trump in the New York Military Academy’s 1964 yearbook, with potential victim.
As their relationship blossomed into more missionary sex, Mr. Trump asked for Ms. Daniels’ help in getting into adult entertainment. His big idea: Trump-branded adult films for the regular guy, with no crazy positions and no cunnilingus. He had already come up with several titles (Man on Top, Missionary Madness, Man on Top 2: Always on Top , Two Scoops of Vanilla, etc.) and had written some dialogue on napkins (“Take it, bitch,” “Not so small now, OK?”, “Call me Sir,” and “¡Olé!,“) . Ms. Daniels convinced him there wasn’t much call for regular sex porn and she didn’t think they could find performers who could do it convincingly. Unfortunately, Mr. Trump had already started manufacturing a line of tie-in sex toys.
Starting in the spring of 2007, ads for Donald Trump Emperor Brand novelties began appearing in select men’s magazines. (Modesty heads have been added.)
Clockwise from left: Hustler’s Barely Legal (March 2007), featuring a “Dominique ‘Lolita’ Nip Slip;” Celebrity Skin: Sexy School Girls (October 2007); Swank (November 2007), featuring a “Teenage *** Queen;” and High Society (November 2007), featuring Ms. Daniels on the cover.Barely Legal spreadDetail of Ad
The line suffered endless setbacks. The Emperor’s New Sheath Chinese Silk Reusable Condom was forced to include a black box warning that it did nothing to prevent pregnancy or disease, and could cause Toxic Shock Syndrome. Only one Trump Tower was ever made and the British duke who purchased it complained that it was clearly pre-owned, with later tests finding it was contaminated with a particularly nasty strain of e colionly found in raccoons. Several thousand units of The Emperor were sold but nearly 90 percent were returned when it proved incapable of penetrating even the most accommodating vagina.
There do not appear to be any Emperor ads after 2007. In March 2010, the Trump Emperor LLC declared bankruptcy, claiming no income and listing $18 million in debt owed to various vendors and prostitutes.
UPDATE: In her 2018 memoir Full Disclosure, Ms. Daniels does just that, writing that the president’s penis as “smaller than average… but not freakishly small” before getting quite specific: “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool… I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”
