Trump Toilet Bombshell!

“In our private chat with only Members, several are saying the only way to save our Republic is for Trump to call for Marshall law”— text from Marjorie Taylor-Greene (R-Arkham) to Trump Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, January 17, 2021.

Sources: Washington Post, Deep State.

Updated 08.12.22, with evidence from FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago on 08.08.22

Shortly after midnight on January 18,  Egil “Bud” Krogh was called to the White House to deal with a clogged toilet in the residence. Fearing the worse, he brought three extra pairs of hazmat gloves and his 3M 7000 Full-Face Respirator, designed for  “chemical and biohazard environments.”

In addition to the expected rock-solid yet surprisingly mephitic mass, Krogh discovered what he first thought was a large clump of toilet tissue but which turned out to be a crumpled sheet of White House stationery. 

The wadded document was confiscated by a White House aide present for just such an eventuality, sealed in an evidence bag and sent  to the National Archives and Records Administration. There archivists carefully decontaminated (1), rinsed and dried the paper, which was determined to be on the president’s letterhead but was otherwise illegible.

Using an AI-driven system developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (darpa),  they were able to reconstruct the document, revealed to be notes in President Trump’s handwriting weighing the pros and cons of declaring martial law, as had been urged by Congresswoman Taylor-Greene the previous day.

Trump either decided against or forgot about the plan, and it does not appear he took any of the actions listed, at least to date.

(1) Analysis of the feces showed an extraordinarily high sulfur content well out of the range for a human or any mammal. 

UPDATE: On August 8, 2022, the FBI raided Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence and recovered 11 sets of classified material and presidential records, including one box containing an Admiral’s hat. 

The Nicknaming of Kamala

Source: Undocumented Housekeeper at the Mara-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida, who was threatened with being reported to ICE if she filed for overtime; Flight Attendant on Air Force One who narrowly escaped a pussy grabbing.

President Donald Trump is well known for the searing playground taunts he sticks to his opponents like he’s rubber and they’re glue, such as calling a female United States Senator and esteemed Harvard Law professor “Pocahontas,” which is pretty funny if you are stupid, or dubbing Haiti and several African nations “shithole countries,” because of all of those Black people in them. But for some reason, he has been unable to come up with a suitable and useable nickname for Vice Presidential Nominee Kamala Harris, finally settling on the not even rhyming “Phony Kamala”.

But not for the lack of trying.

This morning, the T-File received documents from two separate sources detailing Mr. Trump’s increasingly desperate brainstorming sessions, which involved scribbling on an Air Force One notepad and cocktail napkins from the Mar-a-Lago Club, both of which were retrieved from the trash.*

Due to the distressed nature of the documents and Mr. Trump’s nearly illegible handwriting, we have transliterated the text using a proprietary AI.**

SO RUDE

RUDE-ALA KAMALA

KAMALA HARRAS

KAMALA HER ASS

KAMALA HUGE ASS!

RUN BY IVANKA

KAMALIB

KAMALIBBER

KOMRADE KAMILLA

COMMIE KAMALA

COMMIE-LA HARRIS

UNCHRISTIAN KAMALA

CHRISTKILLING

BAD KARMALA

KARMALA CUMEALIAN (sic)

KAMALA LAMA DING DONG

NASTY KAMALA

NA-A-STY KA-A-MA-LA-LA

SHE’S A NASTY B, K?

PLAY BITCH IS BACK

KA-MONSTER HARRIS

KAMALASTEIN!!!

(MONSTER NOT JEW)

MAN-YANA HARRIS

MAN HANDS HARRIS

NEED SOMETHING!

HALF N HALF HARRIS

JAMALA HAJI

NOT RACIST (JOKE)

BLACK N TAN-ALA!!

PLAY BROWN SUGAR

FUCK MICK JAGGER

Also, when it turned out Joe Biden was not so sleepy after all, Mr. Trump brain-dumped a few alternatives.

*And were very obviously Photoshopped.

** Nope. Also, the handwriting is a font called Quid Pro Sans, courtesy of Jones Knowles Ritchie, a creative marketing firm based in London, New York and Shanghai. It’s free.